"Do all dudes have one big testicle and one little tiny one?"
Hieronymus asked, hiking up his poodle skirt as we staggered
Down Main Street in our getup of wigs and pink bonnets
The Night we sprayed NEGROPHOBIA all over the statue of Robert
E. Lee guarding the county courthouse, a symbol of the bondage
We had spent all of our All-The-Way Lives trying to subvert.
Hieronymus’s thighs shimmered like the wings of a teenage
Cockroach beneath his skirt as a bullhorn of sheriff verbs
Like Stop! Freeze! and Fire! outlined us. The town was outraged:
The red-blooded farm boys, the red-eyed book worms of Harvard,
The housewives and secretaries, even a few liberals hoorayed
When they put us on trial. We were still wearing our lady ward–
Robes, Hieronymus and me, with our rope burns bandaged
And our wigs tilted at the angle of trouble. Everyone was at war
With what it meant to be alive. That’s why we refused to be banished,
And why when they set us on fire, there was light at our core.
I’m sorry I will not be able to support any soldiers
at this time. I have a family and a house with slanting floors.
There is a merciless dampness in the basement,
a broken toilet, and several of the windows are painted shut.
I do not pretend my dread is anything like the dread
of men at war. Had I smaller feet, I would have gladly enlisted
myself. In fact, I come from a long line of military men.
My grandfather died heroically in 1965, though his medals have been
lost. I try to serve my country by killing houseflies. I am fully
aware of their usefulness, especially in matters of decay.
Napoleon’s surgeon general, Baron Dominique Larrey,
reported during France;s 1829 campaign
in Syria that certain species of fly only consumed
what was already dead and had a positive effect on wounds. I bet when my grandfather was found,
his corpse shimmered in maggots, free of disease. As you can
tell, I know a little something about civilization.
I realize that when you said “freedom,” you were talking
about the meat we kill for, the head of the enemy leaking
in the bushes, how all of it makes peace possible.
Without firearms I know most violence would be impractical.
I thank you, nonetheless, for mentioning how soldiers
exist to defend my way of life. I am sure
any one of them would be an excellent guardian of my
house. I admit I have no capacity for rifles or gadgetry.
I cannot use rulers accurately. I realize
the common fly, like the soldier, is what makes us civilized.
And I admit my awe looking on the marine with a talent
for making the eagle tattooed across his back rear its talons.
I realize were it not for the sacrifices of these young boys,
America would no longer have its source
or power. I have given considerable thought to your
offer, but I simply am unable to offer my support.
True nihilists measure aptitude in Kelvins.
True nihilists assume ownership of various bodies.
True nihilists seek solace in a cathode glow.
True nihilists play monopoly, professionally.
True nihilists think biology is a basis for social standards.
True nihilists do metaphorical things unpoetically.
True nihilists see their reflection in the stock market.
True nihilists debate with the words liberal & conservative.
True nihilists have smog scented air fresheners.
True nihilists take multivitamins.
True nihilists dance to the rhythm of a punch-out clock.
True nihilists stare into nature and see vegetation.
True nihilists fall without ever landing.
True nihilists find comfort in labels.
True nihilists prefer the taste of bottled water.
True nihilists think the sky is a static weather machine.
True nihilists never finish their meals.
True nihilists dream of black space.
True nihilists wonder if Nietzsche had a favorite color.
True nihilists forget there will be a day when they’ll be dead longer than alive.
True nihilists listen to blank cassette tapes.
True nihilists dress only to the fashion of fuck you.
True nihilists prefer the filtered end of a cigarette.
True nihilists find convenience stores inconvenient.
True nihilists wish the Bauhaus were an 80’s rap group.
True nihilists eat toast with no jam.
True nihilists are naked under their existentialism.
True nihilists wear ushankas in the sauna.
True nihilists are envious of Bob Ross’ love for trees.
True nihilists vote.
True nihilists think Dadaists try too hard.
True nihilists wear pants, begrudgingly.
True nihilists drink Old Mr. Boston on the regular.
True nihilists find French nihilists too depressing.
True nihilists wash their clothes as they shower.
True nihilists loiter at the Sears tire section.
True nihilists think God is just a human.
True nihilists listen to dubstep on mute.
True nihilists consider cubism to be square.
True nihilists think government spending is an oxymoron.